Irish Jokes
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy was in the crowd at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade when he collided with a young guy.
Paddy said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, Kaitlyn, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
Paddy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green t-shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?” Paddy said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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It was a sad day when Muldoon's dog died, so Muldoon walked down to the church to ask Father Patrick if he would say a mass for his dear departed pet.
"For heaven's sake Muldoon, I can't say a mass for a creature, said Father Patrick.
"Well, what can I do?" Muldoon replied. "I loved this dog."
"I don't know," said Father Patrick exasperated. "Go down the street to the Baptist church. Who knows what they believe. Maybe they can help you."
"I'll do that Father," said Muldoon. "But can you answer one question for me? I wouldn't want to insult the Baptists...do you think a contribution of $3,000. would be appropriate to say the mass?"
"Blessed mother Muldoon!" Father Patrick exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
- Hits: 855
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador. “Naw, Paddy” say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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John Wolfe was so offended by the jokes on the P&O cruise, he brought a civil claim against the company, that has been settled out of court
P&O cruise ship Arcadia at Southampton docks. John Wolfe brought a claim against the company for jokes told on the company's vessels, the Oriana and Artemis Photograph: Alamy
An Irish man who brought a civil claim against the owners of a cruise ship after he was the butt of jokes told by comedians on board two of its vessels has won an out-of-court payment.
John Wolfe, 74, a retired builder from Dublin, claimed the jokes, which allegedly stereotyped Irish people, were deeply offensive and left him feeling humiliated. He complained to P&O after he and his wife Joan were on board a worldwide cruise on the Oriana five years ago and brought a claim against Carnival Plc, the owners of the company.
During the trip, he claimed that two comedians entertained passengers by telling a series of Irish jokes in their routines. After allegedly receiving reassurances from the company such jokes would be banned and the Wolfes were given £1,000 of vouchers to spend, they were surprised and upset to hear similar jokes when they took another P&O cruise in 2008 - to the Caribbean on board the Artemis.
Wolfe brought a civil claim against Carnival Plc - the owners of P&O - under race relations legislation as well as the European Union's race directive - a ruling which sets out the principle of equal treatment between persons irrespective of racial or ethnic origin.
The case was due to be heard at the Manchester Civil Justice centre but has been settled out of court.
Wolfe, who represented himself during proceedings, said he couldn't comment on the settlement, but it is believed to be a five-figure sum. The claim that he had been a victim of racial discrimination was struck out by the court.
At a hearing in May, District Judge Anthony Harrison said the case centred on whether Carnival was "vicariously liable" - that is, whether they were responsible for the actions of the comedians. Carnival argued that as the comedians were employed by a sub-contractor - and not directly by them - it is not responsible for the offensive jokes.
The company also claims that as the alleged incidents took place outside UK waters, they do not fall under the jurisdiction of its laws. It argues that a settlement was reached with Wolfe following his first complaint and because he was given £1,000 worth of vouchers, this effectively precluded him pursuing a further complaint.
A P&O spokesperson said: "We can confirm that this case has been resolved amicably out of court to the satisfaction of both parties."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.