Irish Jokes
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Murphy calls to see his old pal, Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."
"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.
"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."
"Fook off ya liar!"
"I'll prove it," says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"
"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"
Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."
"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.
"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."
"Fook off ya liar!"
"I'll prove it," says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"
"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus a burial at sea.
When he died, they kept their promise. They stitched up Uncle Seamus in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while, Mick asked, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Paddy slipped over the side, only to find himself in water to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Row some more."
Later, Paddy tried again, but this time the water was only up to his belly.
Finally, Paddy went over the side and disappeared for a long time.
Mick was getting worried when suddenly Paddy broke the surface, gasping and snorting.
"Well, Paddy? Is it deep enuff here?"
"Aye, it is, Mick. Hand me da shovel."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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It was a sad day when Muldoon's dog died, so Muldoon walked down to the church to ask Father Patrick if he would say a mass for his dear departed pet.
"For heaven's sake Muldoon, I can't say a mass for a creature, said Father Patrick.
"Well, what can I do?" Muldoon replied. "I loved this dog."
"I don't know," said Father Patrick exasperated. "Go down the street to the Baptist church. Who knows what they believe. Maybe they can help you."
"I'll do that Father," said Muldoon. "But can you answer one question for me? I wouldn't want to insult the Baptists...do you think a contribution of $3,000. would be appropriate to say the mass?"
"Blessed mother Muldoon!" Father Patrick exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy was in the crowd at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade when he collided with a young guy.
Paddy said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, Kaitlyn, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
Paddy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green t-shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?” Paddy said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.