Irish Jokes
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"
It's a curious race, the Irish.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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“Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies “I”m hoping its going to be time and a half….”
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Murphy calls to see his old pal, Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."
"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.
"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."
"Fook off ya liar!"
"I'll prove it," says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"
"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"
Paddy says: "Me feet are fooking freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers."
"No bother", he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting naked on their beds.
"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."
"Fook off ya liar!"
"I'll prove it," says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, Paddy?"
"Of course I did. What's the use of only fooking one!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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The Irish gave the Scottish the bagpipes as a joke...
...but the Scottish havn't gotten the joke yet
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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It was a sad day when Muldoon's dog died, so Muldoon walked down to the church to ask Father Patrick if he would say a mass for his dear departed pet.
"For heaven's sake Muldoon, I can't say a mass for a creature, said Father Patrick.
"Well, what can I do?" Muldoon replied. "I loved this dog."
"I don't know," said Father Patrick exasperated. "Go down the street to the Baptist church. Who knows what they believe. Maybe they can help you."
"I'll do that Father," said Muldoon. "But can you answer one question for me? I wouldn't want to insult the Baptists...do you think a contribution of $3,000. would be appropriate to say the mass?"
"Blessed mother Muldoon!" Father Patrick exclaimed, "why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic!"
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy was in the crowd at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade when he collided with a young guy.
Paddy said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, Kaitlyn, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
Paddy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green t-shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?” Paddy said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"