Irish Jokes
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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“Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies “I”m hoping its going to be time and a half….”
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Two Irishmen, two Welshmen, two Scotsmen and two Englishmen are washed up on a desert island. One year later the Irishmen are fighting, the Welshmen have set up a male voice choir, the Scotsmen have set up a whisky still and the two Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced to each other.
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"
It's a curious race, the Irish.
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John Wolfe was so offended by the jokes on the P&O cruise, he brought a civil claim against the company, that has been settled out of court
P&O cruise ship Arcadia at Southampton docks. John Wolfe brought a claim against the company for jokes told on the company's vessels, the Oriana and Artemis Photograph: Alamy
An Irish man who brought a civil claim against the owners of a cruise ship after he was the butt of jokes told by comedians on board two of its vessels has won an out-of-court payment.
John Wolfe, 74, a retired builder from Dublin, claimed the jokes, which allegedly stereotyped Irish people, were deeply offensive and left him feeling humiliated. He complained to P&O after he and his wife Joan were on board a worldwide cruise on the Oriana five years ago and brought a claim against Carnival Plc, the owners of the company.
During the trip, he claimed that two comedians entertained passengers by telling a series of Irish jokes in their routines. After allegedly receiving reassurances from the company such jokes would be banned and the Wolfes were given £1,000 of vouchers to spend, they were surprised and upset to hear similar jokes when they took another P&O cruise in 2008 - to the Caribbean on board the Artemis.
Wolfe brought a civil claim against Carnival Plc - the owners of P&O - under race relations legislation as well as the European Union's race directive - a ruling which sets out the principle of equal treatment between persons irrespective of racial or ethnic origin.
The case was due to be heard at the Manchester Civil Justice centre but has been settled out of court.
Wolfe, who represented himself during proceedings, said he couldn't comment on the settlement, but it is believed to be a five-figure sum. The claim that he had been a victim of racial discrimination was struck out by the court.
At a hearing in May, District Judge Anthony Harrison said the case centred on whether Carnival was "vicariously liable" - that is, whether they were responsible for the actions of the comedians. Carnival argued that as the comedians were employed by a sub-contractor - and not directly by them - it is not responsible for the offensive jokes.
The company also claims that as the alleged incidents took place outside UK waters, they do not fall under the jurisdiction of its laws. It argues that a settlement was reached with Wolfe following his first complaint and because he was given £1,000 worth of vouchers, this effectively precluded him pursuing a further complaint.
A P&O spokesperson said: "We can confirm that this case has been resolved amicably out of court to the satisfaction of both parties."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a Labrador. “Naw, Paddy” say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! Smiled Paddy!
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What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
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"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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- Slang: Irish Jokes
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A London Bobby asks two drunks for their names and addresses. The first answers, “I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.” And the second replies, “I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
“What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One drink.”
“Paddy, he said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you. I said you most certainly were.”
Bobby; "Where were you born?" Paddy; "Dublin". Bobby; "What part?" Paddy; "All of me."